Why I’ve Given Myself Permission to Stop Achieving
I haven’t been writing a lot lately. In fact, I haven’t been doing much of anything, which is completely intentional. You see, I’ve recently started working with a wonderful therapist, and we’ve been unpacking a lot of my sh*t. Something I’ve become more aware of in therapy is that I’ve been struggling this year because I haven’t felt like I’m “achieving” as much as I used to.
A New Void
When I was CEO of Conscious Company Media, I was regularly awarded with the dopamine hit of both achieving something and being externally validated for it — we’re talking stuff like receiving standing ovations while standing on a stage, people writing to me to tell me that I changed their life, being asked to be the keynote speaker at events, and people interviewing me on their podcasts. And honestly, it felt incredible.
Yet when I made the decision to leave Conscious Company Media earlier this year, I didn’t realize how much of my perceived identity was wrapped up in all of the achievements and validations. Within a month of leaving, I immediately began trying to recreate that feeling in my life. I started blogging, creating online education, posting regularly on social media, founding new brands, and generally just doing whatever I could to try to “achieve.” But it was never enough. By September of this year the wind was completely out of my sails.
The Hamster Wheel of External Validation
As I reached out for help and started unpacking all of this with a professional, I understood that I, like so many others, have been programmed to achieve and look for external validation since I was a young child. From playing competitive sports since I was four and participating in science fairs in middle school to homecoming court in high school and college applications and beyond, my life has oriented around merit, being validated for being the best, and proving my worth by winning. And I’ve carried that deep-seated need to achieve throughout my entire life. Without it, I don’t know what’s left. Couple this with the fact that we have so many metrics that help us validate our achievements — page views, post likes, sales numbers, followers, podcast downloads, awards, and more — and it traps many of us in a vicious cycle of constantly seeking even more validation without a deeper understanding of why we’re doing what we’re doing.
Opposite Actions
For the last month, I’ve consciously stopped trying to achieve, to see how it feels. I haven’t taken on any speaking requests. I’ve stopped writing. I’ve stopped posting on social media. I’ve stopped projecting revenue for 2021. I’ve stopped planning for what’s next. I’ve just stopped. And giving myself the permission to not achieve has been an absolute gift. I’ve been more present with my family. I’ve found joy in the smallest things, like dancing with my son while eating lunch together. I’ve felt so much calmer. And, in the space that was once taken up by constantly doing and striving, I felt I found more clarity about what I want to do moving forward and, most importantly, why.
With that, my invitation to you is to examine the areas in your life where you’re trying so hard to achieve and see what it feels like to let them go, even if just for a short while. Experience what it feels like to stop striving, to quit seeking external validation, and to really explore why you’re doing what you’re doing. It has been a game-changer for me.